recovery.and.healing

I mentioned in a previous post how April was just a really bad month for me. At the time, I wasn't ready to share, so I haven't blogged much in the past month or two. But I kept a journal and wrote in there often and now I feel ready to share.

Towards the end of March, Wes and I found out we were pregnant. It was wonderful. It was the best feeling in the world. I was so excited, so nervous. April 11 was our first doctor's appointment. It didn't go well. We were told it looked like a molar pregnancy. I didn't know what that was and I was scared. April 19 I had a D&C surgery to remove everything and determine whether is was a molar pregnancy or not. Thankfully, it wasn't. It was just a normal miscarriage.

Throughout the month of April and into May, I journaled my thoughts, my feelings, and my emotions.

April 13, 2012

Maybe later I'll understand, but for now, I'll just cry. Why? Why me? Why now? Two days ago I went to the doctors to see my little baby and hear its little heartbeat. I eagerly waited as they set up the ultrasound. Then nothing. There was no baby. There was no heartbeat. Only tissue, tissue that at one point had been my baby. Wes just held my hand as the doctor told us what was going on.

How can such a happy, exciting moment turn so quickly into something so terrible, so heart wrenching? Now I'm stuck in this in-between phase, deciding whether I should have the D&C or wait for my body to naturally miscarry. It has to be that way. Why?

God seems so far away. How can a loving Father watch his child go through this and suffer? It seems so cruel. But I know He has a plan and that all things work for good to those who love Him. I don't see it though. How could anything good come out of this? This may be the hardest thing I've ever been through. It'll get better. It has to get better.


May 2, 2012

It's May. It's a new month and hopefully new beginnings. I had my doctor's appointment yesterday to check up on everything and get results from the surgery. It was good news. Thankfully, I did not have a molar pregnancy, just a normal miscarriage. The baby made it to about 7-8 weeks. The good news is none of this should affect our chances of getting pregnant again and having a normal healthy pregnancy.

I'm really glad for some good news. It's still been really tough at times. A few days ago, I just couldn't stop crying. All I could think was that in only 6 more weeks, I would've known if it was a boy or girl. And now that we know how far along we were, the due date would've been the same week as my sister's birthday. It's just overwhelming, challenging, and very sad at times.

But in that hour and a half that I cried the other day, God gave me a few Bible passages to get me through. First, He pointed out my all-time favorite verse(s) Proverbs 3: 5-6.

     "Trust in the Lord with all you heart
     And do not lean on your own understanding.
     In all your ways acknowledge Him,
     And He will make your paths straight."

Then he brought back to me Psalm 23. I must have read it twenty times over and over.

     The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures;
     He leads me beside quiet waters.
     He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness
     For His name's sake.
     Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
     I fear no evil, for You are with me;
     Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
     You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
     You have anointed my head with oil;
     My cup overflows.
     Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
     And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Things are getting a lot better. With the good news yesterday, we are once again getting excited to start a family.


May 16, 2012

It's been a month since I found out I was having a miscarriage. And in two days, it'll be a month since my surgery. Each day, I feel so much better. Even as I mourn over the loss of our 8 week old baby, I can now look to the future. I'm getting excited. Each day brings me closer and closer to being able to try again.

Everything feels so different, too. I've learned so much through this experience. Through those weeks when I was pregnant, I was constantly worried. I had this horrible nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I joined a community board for November mothers online, which only made it worse. But even through that, I didn't want to give it over to God. I wanted a baby so bad. I thought as long as I did everything right, everything would be okay. I didn't want God messing up my plan. But even as I went to my first ultrasound, I wasn't surprised. It had never felt quite right all along.

I was devastated and I knew I was wrong. I did need God; I do need Him. I let go of the reigns of my life, my plans, my goals...and I gave them back to Him, where they belong. And everything turned around. He comforted me and helped me move on. He showed me how much I need Him in EVERY area of my life. My life has become so good, so easy once again. I'm not scared or concerned about the future, and I'm only excited and ready for the family God has for us in His timing.