recovery.and.healing

I mentioned in a previous post how April was just a really bad month for me. At the time, I wasn't ready to share, so I haven't blogged much in the past month or two. But I kept a journal and wrote in there often and now I feel ready to share.

Towards the end of March, Wes and I found out we were pregnant. It was wonderful. It was the best feeling in the world. I was so excited, so nervous. April 11 was our first doctor's appointment. It didn't go well. We were told it looked like a molar pregnancy. I didn't know what that was and I was scared. April 19 I had a D&C surgery to remove everything and determine whether is was a molar pregnancy or not. Thankfully, it wasn't. It was just a normal miscarriage.

Throughout the month of April and into May, I journaled my thoughts, my feelings, and my emotions.

April 13, 2012

Maybe later I'll understand, but for now, I'll just cry. Why? Why me? Why now? Two days ago I went to the doctors to see my little baby and hear its little heartbeat. I eagerly waited as they set up the ultrasound. Then nothing. There was no baby. There was no heartbeat. Only tissue, tissue that at one point had been my baby. Wes just held my hand as the doctor told us what was going on.

How can such a happy, exciting moment turn so quickly into something so terrible, so heart wrenching? Now I'm stuck in this in-between phase, deciding whether I should have the D&C or wait for my body to naturally miscarry. It has to be that way. Why?

God seems so far away. How can a loving Father watch his child go through this and suffer? It seems so cruel. But I know He has a plan and that all things work for good to those who love Him. I don't see it though. How could anything good come out of this? This may be the hardest thing I've ever been through. It'll get better. It has to get better.


May 2, 2012

It's May. It's a new month and hopefully new beginnings. I had my doctor's appointment yesterday to check up on everything and get results from the surgery. It was good news. Thankfully, I did not have a molar pregnancy, just a normal miscarriage. The baby made it to about 7-8 weeks. The good news is none of this should affect our chances of getting pregnant again and having a normal healthy pregnancy.

I'm really glad for some good news. It's still been really tough at times. A few days ago, I just couldn't stop crying. All I could think was that in only 6 more weeks, I would've known if it was a boy or girl. And now that we know how far along we were, the due date would've been the same week as my sister's birthday. It's just overwhelming, challenging, and very sad at times.

But in that hour and a half that I cried the other day, God gave me a few Bible passages to get me through. First, He pointed out my all-time favorite verse(s) Proverbs 3: 5-6.

     "Trust in the Lord with all you heart
     And do not lean on your own understanding.
     In all your ways acknowledge Him,
     And He will make your paths straight."

Then he brought back to me Psalm 23. I must have read it twenty times over and over.

     The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures;
     He leads me beside quiet waters.
     He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness
     For His name's sake.
     Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
     I fear no evil, for You are with me;
     Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
     You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
     You have anointed my head with oil;
     My cup overflows.
     Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
     And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Things are getting a lot better. With the good news yesterday, we are once again getting excited to start a family.


May 16, 2012

It's been a month since I found out I was having a miscarriage. And in two days, it'll be a month since my surgery. Each day, I feel so much better. Even as I mourn over the loss of our 8 week old baby, I can now look to the future. I'm getting excited. Each day brings me closer and closer to being able to try again.

Everything feels so different, too. I've learned so much through this experience. Through those weeks when I was pregnant, I was constantly worried. I had this horrible nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I joined a community board for November mothers online, which only made it worse. But even through that, I didn't want to give it over to God. I wanted a baby so bad. I thought as long as I did everything right, everything would be okay. I didn't want God messing up my plan. But even as I went to my first ultrasound, I wasn't surprised. It had never felt quite right all along.

I was devastated and I knew I was wrong. I did need God; I do need Him. I let go of the reigns of my life, my plans, my goals...and I gave them back to Him, where they belong. And everything turned around. He comforted me and helped me move on. He showed me how much I need Him in EVERY area of my life. My life has become so good, so easy once again. I'm not scared or concerned about the future, and I'm only excited and ready for the family God has for us in His timing.

sneak.peek

This week has been a crazy, tiring, and fun week.We kicked it off last weekend with a bunch of DIY projects. We sanded, stained, and painted the TV console/credenza and a small end table. Of course we also got our new hutch for the kitchen which looks amazing! Wes fixed up some broken and loose chair legs from our dining table set and we spent hours making the yard look good. But why the sudden inspiration? My parents came to visit! This is the first time they have seen our house since we've moved in, so I wanted to be sure it looked perfect!

With family, work, church, getting sick (boo), and all the other things we somehow accomplished this week, I haven't had time to put together pictures of our nearly completed kitchen and living room. But here's a sneak peek or two:

I am so in love with our new hutch!

TV console/credenza in the garage right after I finished staining and painting

Only a few more things to do before the kitchen and living room are complete! Can't wait to show it off!

project.kitchen

As much as I love blogging, and as much as I keep reminding myself to do it, it's not always as easy as it sounds. It's especially hard when the whole month of April has seemed like one never-ending bad dream and I just don't want to talk about it. But things are beginning to brighten up and it's getting easier to move on. There's one thing I've been constantly reminding myself:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

And in the meantime, I have been working on a few projects here and there. Project Kitchen is nearing an end. The walls are finally painted a cheery yellow and with time the intensity has started to fade. Thank goodness. I would still like to re-upholster the chairs, but I'm almost finished making/hanging curtains and decorating in general. After searching for months for the perfect hutch for the right price, I finally found one on Craigslist just a few days ago. Wes and I are going tonight to pick it up. I'm so excited! It's like Christmas! There's a perfect space for it on the wall behind the table. I think it's really going to make the kitchen. It's white right now, and I think I'll leave it that way, but I'm thinking of pulling some lavender from the living room and painting the back panel a light purple. Here's my inspiration:

Two-toned painted hutch

Two-toned painted bookcase

 And here's the picture from Craigslist of my hutch:

Be on the lookout for the completed Project Kitchen. I'll be sure to post before and after pictures and track the progress from the whole experience. It's so much fun!

refocusing.priorities

I really love to think. Lots of times I give myself free time just to think. Usually, it'll be at times when I'm just thinking that great ideas and inspiration just pop into my head. But sometimes I become too scatterbrained to focus on just one thing. I get too busy, or am too excited about too many things at once. That's kinda how it's been with my blog for awhile. I often think of all these topics I really want to write about, then I forget or get too carried away with another idea that I don't give myself time to just sit down, concentrate, research, and write about just one thing.

So this post is an experiment, an exercise really to see if I can just get my focus straight. In my brain, my thoughts are all jumbled, I have a hard time remembering anything, even if I just thought it a split second ago. And my mind races, stopping here and there to dwell on something, but not long enough to form an opinion or really understand it. Often, the best way for me to spit out what I'm actually thinking and organize it in a reasonable manner is to write.

That's what this experiment is all about...sorting through my thoughts from the last month or so. I probably sound crazy. I'll be the first to admit I am nothing like a normal ordinary person. And I've finally accepted it and am now trying to figure out how I can be as efficient as possible using the gifts and talents God has given me in fulfilling the desires God has placed on my heart (which are many).

There are many areas of my life. My personal relationship with God, my husband, my family, my church, my job(s), and me. It's the first time in my life that I really have had to think about and prioritize everything in my life. I'm just too busy to do it all. One thing has always remained constant. If I talk to God before I begin anything else in my day, life is easier. Not physically easier necessarily, but He gives me strength to complete everything that needs to be done. I don't stress out. Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate to be in charge. I will do whatever you ask me to do. Simple. Done. But don't ever ask me to lead. I am a follow the leader type girl. If there's nothing to follow, I freak out, I stress out, and I panic all at the same time. It's not pretty. But when I give it to God, He's my leader, and even if I am technically the leader, He is still in control and leading me. It just makes life so much easier.

So in order to focus on what's important to me, I wrote a list of the things that I want to do, some new, and some that I am already doing but want to improve on:


God
*devotion time
*prayer
*journal
*boldness

Wes
*respect
*encourage
*keep my word

Family
*call
*write letters/cards

Church
*step back - worship
*others

Home
*organization
*diligence
*finances

Job
*preparation for lessons
*advertising

Me
*paint
*garden

I feel like my life is finally organized! It's great to have goals or a target point to work towards. It makes life so much less complicated. You should try it, too.

baby.fever

I think I have baby fever. No, I don't even think....I know....and especially after hanging out with this little cutie:

Baby Oliver Photo Shoot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How can you resist?

i'm.so.spoiled

Valentine's Day was very special this year. It's hard to believe Wes and I have celebrated Valentine's Day together for 4 years now. Last year, Wes went all out, surprising me with a shopping spree to get a new dress for our outrageously elaborate and expensive dinner date. This year, we did the opposite - saved money and spent the evening at home. And I loved it! When I got home, Wes was standing in the doorway with beautiful pink roses and delicious chocolates. So cute. For dinner, we made chili together and a red velvet cake for dessert. Then we got all comfy cozy in some nice warm flannel pj's, and cuddled up on the couch and watched a cute movie. So romantic.

But that's not all. On Saturday, Wes took me to get a NEW CAR! We bid farewell to our super unreliable and altogether unwelcome Jeep and hello to my new (new to me) bright yellow Chevy Aveo! It's super cute and fits me well. I'm so spoiled. Thanks Wes!

painting.our.house

This week our house has been a work in progress. I feel like we should have caution tape all around to designate the 'wet paint' areas. That's right, we finally started painting our house! Last week, for my birthday, Wes took me to Lowe's to pick out paint, stain, and other supplies for our big project. I was so overwhelmed and so excited all at the same time. We picked out paint for the kitchen, living room, and music room, and some more paint and stain for the furniture in the living room. Wes and I are both pretty new at all this, so we weren't sure exactly how everything was going to turn out. But thankfully, our friend Andi is a painting pro and he came over to help.

Project #1 - The Kitchen
The kitchen was the hardest room for me to pick a color. I didn't know if I wanted to go with a minty green or light aqua blue, a darker greenish color, or yellow. Too many decisions. I finally decided on yellow. I really wanted a butter yellow color, but it turned out more like a banana yellow. It's bright, but I like it. It's starting to grow on me for sure.

Before:

 

In Progress:

Still needs one more coat of paint.

Project #2 - The Living Room

I chose a very light lavender for this room. It's actually almost white, but I really wanted to brighten up the room and make it nice and cheery. Of course, the whole wall of windows helps, too.

Our ceilings are super high, and Wes and I really weren't sure how we were going to manage, even with a ladder. But it was no problem for Andi. He just set up his little rig and got to work. Thanks Andi! It looks awesome!

In Progress:

This is how it all looked the next morning: [sorry for the blurry picture]

Now it's time to make all those fun curtains and pillows! I'm so excited to decorate my house!

Project #3 - The Music Room

At the moment, the music room is going to stay a surprise. I'm not even going to tell you what color(s) we painted. I'll just say this: The theme is jazz, and I'm going big and bold. I have so many ideas and I can't wait to start decorating! It's going to look so good! But y'all have to wait for the grand reveal. Sorry, no sneak previews.